Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
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like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
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I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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