Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
