This house was built for laser tag.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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