you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
