i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
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I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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