So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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