I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
