Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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