Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
