I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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