I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Randomize
