I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
