Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
