1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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