And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
