he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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