Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I intend to get homeless drunk
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
