people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
