When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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