you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Houston, we have a squirter
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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