u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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