If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
