I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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