You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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