I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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