I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
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