i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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