You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Ketchup is God's man juice
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wish there were birth control emojis
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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