Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
