I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
