I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
