Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
