there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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