just survived the first fart of the relationship.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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