on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
