he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
