I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
