when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
