And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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