He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
