Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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