guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
