Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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