sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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