i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
