I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
