I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
