I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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