Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
