Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
