I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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