I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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