I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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