Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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