The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
