I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
