You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
