OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
