it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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