so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
