After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
